Well, I don't like the first bit and I don't know the last bit. So I'm really hoping the middle bit is exceptional. - Eoin Colfer
Good. Illegal is always faster. - Eoin Colfer
She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story--''Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain? - Eoin Colfer
I have to tell you, Arty, a screw up this early in the proceedings doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. I hope you’re as clever as you keep telling everyone you are. I never tell anybody exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared... - Eoin Colfer
Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese. - Eoin Colfer
Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something."Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl? - Eoin Colfer
She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.-Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Will you miss him Holly? he asked suddenly. [...] No, she said. I will not miss him. But her eyes told the real story. - Eoin Colfer
Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over - Eoin Colfer